Standing In The Middle Of The Road Waiting For The Little Man To Go Green

Someone asked me what's the deal with my Facebook status (for anyone not blighted by this particular curse, my status reads "Chaim is waiting in the middle of the road waiting for the little man to go green"). My intention was to write this first and then change the status, but hey, I'm Israeli! So let me explain. For anyone who has attempted to cross a road via a pedestrian crossing anywhere in the world, it's a fairly simple exercise. You go to the crossing, and in most places across the Western world, press a button, wait for the man to go from red to green, or go from a red 'Don't Walk' to a green 'Walk'. Then you walk from one side of the road to the other. In some countries if the road is wide, then you might find some sort of island in the middle, so if you get onto the crossing late you won't be caught stranded precariously in the middle of a road.

Now, let's speak about Israel.

In Israel, if the road is too wide to be crossed in one go and therefore requires you to negotiate two consecutive crossings, there are two sets of lights. However, rarely are these two sets of lights co-ordinated, and usually the light that goes green first is on the opposite side of the road. This means that you end up crossing to the middle of the road when your side goes green, and that's where you stand for the rest of the day...well it feels like it. Cars whipping you back and forth and you standing there like a lemon. So why don't you just wait till there are no cars and then run across Chaim??? Tut, tut, tut. That's illegal!!! The police enforce penalties against jay-walkers here with a relish rarely seen outside of a traffic warden in Westminster. Not really worth taking the chance in my opinion.

So here I stand, in the middle of the road, waiting for that little mean to feel a bit queasy and go green. Hopefully you'll visit me there soon.

An Englishman In Israel

So I was thinking to myself, how does a quintessentially chap from England such as my good self integrate into a society not known for extolling any values common to the Motherland, such as good manners, politeness and the ability to queue with a modicum of good order? Anybody been thinking the same thing? Thought so.

So why the sudden change in style of writing? Well I thought to myself, which is always a bad sign, I appear to be just writing a travelogue and, well, how do you write a travelogue when the whole purpose of me being in Israel is not to have a holiday, but have a life. So let me try a bit harder to make it more observational and try and inject more humour as I've had complaints about the lack of humour (It's so hard when you set the bar so high like I've done in the past ;-), he says without any hint of arrogance).

So let's start with the buses. The quality of your ride on a bus in this country is directly proportional to the amount of money you have paid in comparison to a bus ride in England. In England you pay a Kings ransom to go half a metre down the road. In Israel you pay the same amount to go from Jerusalem to Eilat. However, as recompense for this seemingly unbelievable 'deal', you get an Israeli driver... On Friday I got on a bus, and the driver, perhaps being behind schedule or perhaps just being an Israeli (yes, yes, I know that's me now, but allow me to finish), thinks the best way to make up time is just to close the doors when he thinks everyone's on the bus. Never mind that people might have backpacks or bags that inconveniently get stuck in the doors, causing said driver to blame said passenger for the whole debacle.
Today, I get on a bus and the driver thinks it's best to drive off without having got all the money. I ask for a Kartisiah (a ten ride ticket for those unfamiliar with Israeli buses), and present him with a 100 shekel note. Oh well, I may as well have insulted him, his family and all his descendants. He huffed and puffed, and realising he couldn't get the Kartisiah, give me change, and also clip a ride off the ticket, he decides to slam on the brakes and stop in the middle of the road (actually more of a three lane highway-style affair), which results in me stumbling and crashing into the front of the bus. That would have been OK, if there hadn't been this little teenage girl who unfortunately got crushed by my, how shall we say, generously proportioned body. Poor girl. I mumbled my apologies, glared at the driver, who seemed to still be holding that all the problems occurring were down to me, and took my change and my ticket. The girl seemed OK. These Israelis, tough as old boots...then again she did get off the bus at the next stop clutching her chest...hmm...

Now briefly I'll give you a rundown of my week in no particular order. This week I went to see the Simpsons (film, as opposed to a family in Jerusalem), went to The International Arts and Crafts Fair down by Jaffa Gate at the Sultan's Pool. For Shabbat, I was at cousins in Efrat, which as I've said before, is a wonderful place to go for Shabbat. This week has been a pretty quiet one, which has been good for catching up on sleep.

I'll have some more observations soon.

Booze and Barby

Hello, back again.

It's Sunday night and I'm actually in the Ulpan, which makes a nice change. I've had a really nice week where, Thank G-d, I've been busy every night. Party, party, party!!!
Sunday night was the official opening party at the Ulpan. Cue DJ, alcohol and South Americans showing us mere mortals how to move to the rhythm of the beat, and the Anglos showing them how to sit on the side and drink!

Monday night, I went to a Barbeque in the old city hosted by an organisation called 'Jerusalem Connections'. I'm not sure that I'm the sort of person they're looking to recruit (I got the impression they're main work is in Kiruv), but it was a fine night with great views and free meat!! After the Barbeque, a few of us wandered into town to have a drink, with wandering being the operative word. We walked this way and that without seemingly any direction, so cue old man Ford getting the hump! Sometimes even nice people turn nasty! lol

Also last week was the Jerusalem Wine Festival at the Israel Museum, where I of course put on my best 'Food and Drink' character, swirling all sorts of wine, and sticking my nose into glasses, whilst pretending that I wasn't just an 'alchie' glugging wine. It was most amusing for everyone else (anyone on Facebook, you can check out the pics!).

Shabbat, I was in Ulpan again but out for meals, including a wonderfully unique Friday night round at Barak's. For anyone that knows him, no he hasn't mellowed. I don't think the non-English guests could quite believe that people who like each other, might possibly display this by slagging each other off.

And now we're back to the start of another week :-(
This Sunday malarky is really beginning to get to me. I miss my second day of Shabbat in exile!

Please keep all your messages coming. Some of you have told me that you're missing me which means you're either very sweet or good liars, but I will take it as the former.